As parents, we want our children to have a better childhood than we did. We want to improve on what our own parents did. We want to set them up for success.
Many of us are millennials who grew up with tough love and busy working parents, many with the tendency to “sweep things under the rug.”
We want to ensure that our children aren’t afraid to come to us, that they understand their feelings and are comfortable expressing them. We want them to have autonomy and independence.
Enter Gentle Parenting. It’s awesome. It’s research based. It’s effective. But how do you actually DO it? Without the reasonable and consistent boundaries, clear expectations, and appropriate modeling that Gentle Parenting requires, it often devolves into Permissive Parenting. Let me tell you why that isn’t setting our children up for success.
As both a teacher and a parent, I often hear the term gentle parenting, but see something very different happening in front of me. As someone who sees children both at home and in the classroom, I’ve noticed firsthand how well meaning parents can impact a child’s behavior, resilience, and ability to navigate challenges.
So, let’s break it down: What’s the difference between gentle parenting and permissive parenting?
Understanding Gentle Parenting
Gentle parenting is not about letting children do whatever they want—it’s about teaching them emotional regulation, accountability, and respect through connection and guidance. It’s an approach rooted in empathy, clear boundaries, and mutual respect.
A gentle parent:
✅ Sets clear, consistent expectations.
✅ Helps a child navigate emotions without punishment or shame.
✅ Encourages problem-solving and communication.
✅ Uses natural and logical consequences rather than threats.
✅ Models respect and patience rather than demanding obedience.
For example, if a child refuses to clean up their toys, a gentle parent acknowledges their frustration but holds the boundary:
🔹 “I understand you don’t want to clean up, but we always put our toys away before bedtime. Will you start with the blocks or the dollhouse?.”
If the child still refuses, a logical consequence follows: “Our whole family deserves to have a clean home and our brains work better when it is. Since the toys weren’t cleaned up, we won’t take them out tomorrow. We can try again the next day.”
The goal? Teaching responsibility without fear or shame—just natural cause and effect.
What Permissive Parenting Looks Like
Permissive parenting, on the other hand, often lacks firm boundaries. It comes from a place of love but can lead to children struggling with self-regulation because they are not given clear expectations. Children crave structure. If they aren’t getting it from their parents, they will try to create it themselves by “calling the shots.” The issue is, children are not equipped to “call the shots” and this causes them undue stress, anxiety, and even resentment.
A permissive parent:
❌ Avoids enforcing rules to prevent conflict.
❌ Gives in to tantrums or resistance to maintain peace.
❌ Tries to be more of a friend than a guide.
❌ Rarely follows through with consequences.
Using the same toy-cleanup scenario, a permissive parent might say:
🔹 “You don’t feel like cleaning? That’s okay. I don’t want you to be upset, so I’ll do it for you.”
While this response avoids conflict in the short term, it doesn’t teach the child accountability or problem-solving. Over time, children raised with permissive parenting may struggle with frustration tolerance, impulse control, and following rules in structured settings like school.
Holding a boundary, regardless of how much a child dislikes it, shows them they can count on you. It shows them that you will always do what you say you will. “You can always trust me to do what I said I would, no matter how many times you ask.”
How This Plays Out in the Classroom
As a teacher, I see the impact of these different parenting styles every day.
Children raised with gentle parenting tend to:
✅ Express emotions more effectively.
✅ Understand rules and why they exist.
✅ Take responsibility for mistakes and learn from them.
✅ Respect teachers and peers while advocating for themselves.
Children raised with permissive parenting often:
❌ Struggle with frustration when faced with structure.
❌ Have difficulty following classroom expectations.
❌ Resist boundaries because they are used to negotiating or avoiding them.
❌ Seek external validation rather than internal motivation.
The difference is not that one child is naturally “better behaved” than another—it’s that one has been taught through boundaries and guidance, while the other has not had the opportunity to develop those skills.
Finding the Balance
If you’ve ever worried about being too soft or too strict, know that gentle parenting is the middle ground. It allows children to feel safe expressing their emotions while still holding them accountable for their actions.
🔹 Gentle parenting is: “I love you, and I won’t let you hit your brother.”
🔹 Permissive parenting is: “I love you, so I’ll ignore it when you hit your brother.”
The difference? Respect with boundaries.
As both a teacher and a parent, I’ve found that gentle parenting doesn’t mean avoiding discomfort—it means helping children build the tools to handle it. And when they walk into my classroom, I can tell which children have been given those tools and which are still struggling to find them. Of course, I’m going to teach all of them and help give them those tools but a teacher’s influence only goes so far. You, their parent, are their first and most important teacher.
What do you think? Have you found yourself slipping into permissive parenting at times? What strategies have helped you hold firm, respectful boundaries?
Sources:
Gentle Parenting Doesn’t Mean Permissive Parenting
Exploring Parenting Styles Patterns and Children’s Socio-Emotional Skills
